


he attacc (he protecc)

by tisapear



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Established Relationship, Kakashi is always ready to throw hands, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-06
Updated: 2020-01-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22147018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tisapear/pseuds/tisapear
Summary: "What thehellmade you think getting into a fistfight in the middle of a grocery store was a good idea?"
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Uchiha Obito
Comments: 13
Kudos: 159





	he attacc (he protecc)

**Author's Note:**

> A writing challenge by my lovely wife, going as follows, "Write me a drabble. With any characters of Naruto or any fandom you want. Idk like 300 words or smth but the prompt is 'You're a fucking retard, and that I know, but how did you end up in a fistfight while _grocery shopping_ '"

"Listen, I know you're on a level of stupidity only on par with Naruto - no that's not something to be proud of, stop grinning - I've been aware of that since we were like, ten, but." He paused for a moment, seemingly gathering himself as to not jump his _dear_ husband and _wrangle his pretty little neck_. "What the _hell_ made you think getting into a fistfight in the middle of a grocery store was a good idea?" 

Because, see, the thing about Kakashi was this: If there was even the slightest indication of a negative declaration being made against the (at least in Kakashi's opinion) holy beings categorized as canines - which was, once again according to Kakashi, downright blasphemous - he would get _handsy_. The Punch First, Ask Questions Later kind of _handsy_. At this point, Obito couldn't even recall all the times he had to go the hospital and/or bail Kakashi out because he had gotten into yet another fight because someone insulted someone's friend's relative's snap of their new puppy. 

Utterly rdiculous, but Obito could handle it.

It did help that, usually, it only happened at or in the surrounding area of pet stores, and considering that Kakashi was banned from pretty much all of them by now, The Incidents - as Obito had dubbed them, to add a certain flavor of humor to it so he wouldn't attempt a murder suicide any time he recalled them - happened less and less these days.

Getting into a fight while buying groceries was a new one, though. 

For fucks sake, Kakashi's only task had been to get some more eggs for the second batch of homemade dog treats, because their dogs were honest to god gluttons and forty pieces simply didn't cut it for the nine of them.

But that, well, that that had been all. Nothing world changing, one might find themselve thinking, and one might even be correct; but apparently, on his merry way there, all of two minutes by foot, Kakashi had decided that, well, their local health professionals simply hadn't earned enough money off of them yet. 

Kakashi smiled at him, lazily, left eye upturned - the other one was swollen closed, the ugly purple-blue already blooming and fanning out downwards, gently caressing the top of his cheekbone. 

"There was only one pack of eggs left," he stated, uncaring and blasé. Obito waited because that _had_ to be a joke. 

When the silence remained, Obito squinted, suspicious. "You gotta be kidding."

Kakashi shrugged, his clothes rustling at the up-and-down motion, and Obito had to give it to him - he didn't utter a single sound, didn't grimace either, even though his recently reset shoulder had to be throbbing with white hot pain. (God knew kid Obito would have been bawling ages ago.)

"Why would I be kidding? You _know_ how serious I am about dogs," he said, seriously, a serious expression etched onto his ~~face~~ one visible eye. 

_"Or,"_ Sakura interrupted, opening the examination room's door with gusto, not even trying to pretend that she hadn't been eavesdropping this whole time, "Kakashi-sensei _might_ have overheard some young wannabe movie critic badmouth a certain upstart actor and _might_ have found it imperative to introduce his nose to his fist."

Obito groaned, a low, stretched out sound coming from an entirely tired part located deep within his soul. Even at the risk of sounding like Gai, he was pretty sure that part had been full of youthful vigor and untouched optimism. Before he had married Kakashi, that is.

" _Seriously?_ Kakashi, I'm a public figure of entertainment. It's an absolute certainty that people will shit-talk me. You can't just beat everyone up that doesn't _like_ me." 

The following pout - eye full of world defying stubborness, bottom lip stuck forward - was fully visible, even through the mask covering the lower half of Kakashi's face. He would have probably stubbornly crossed his arms, too, if he could do more than move his shoulders in a radius of three centimeters.

Obito wisely decided to ignore the mumbled "I can sure as hell _try_ , though." Nope, no, nuh-uh, not going there today. Kakashi might have an unhealthy amount of interest in the finer arts of asphyxiation, but Obito would not give him the satisfaction, not now. (No matter how simply delightful it would be to just. _Choke_ him to death. Lovingly, of course, because Obito wasn't a complete monster. And, well, maybe it would even have the beneficial result of Kakashi staying out of the hospital for more than three days at a time.)

"Sometimes I think back to our wedding day and wonder, what the hell did he slip me while I wasn't looking? Because it's becoming more and more unrealistic that I married you of my own free will." Obito looks thoughtful for a moment. "Did you bribe Shisui or something? Because I dimly remember him being into the whole hypnotism thing around that time." 

"Maa, my love _is_ rather addictive, you're right about that."

"That doesn't even-" Obito turned to Sakura, the girl hiding her amused grin behind her clipboard, top of it pushed against her cupid's bow. "Can't you _do_ something about him? Knock him out with a real good sedative or something?" 

She grinned a salesman grin. "Sorry, no can do. Sedatives are for premium customers only, and Sensei has barely reached gold status." 

He stared at her. Unblinking. For a whole minute. "I fucking hate you. So. Much. You're _just_ like him, aren't you. There I was, naively believing you were the good one, but no, no- you're secretly the worst of the lot, aren't you? No wonder you're still voluntarily talking to him." Behind him, Kakashi snorted, unimpressed, like the asshole he was. "Is there even any reason why you're back?" The _if not to help me bury my husband's body_ went unsaid. 

Sakura snapped her fingers, a clear gesture indicating her memory storage was still fully functional, and one that she had probably picked up from one of those funny cartoon shows everyone was into these days. 

"Ah, right. Your neighbor - the one on the right, the nice blue haired lady, Konan's her name, I think? Not that creepy old guy in front of you - well, she called and apparently there's smoke coming out of your kitchen window? She wanted to know if she should use the spare you gave her to go and check what's up." 

Looking confused, Obito was already opening his mouth, ready to tell her that he had no fucking clue what that was about. Except, well. 

He slowly clicked his mouth back shut, teeth practically turning to dust with how hard he was gritting them. He stared at the wall, face utterly devoid of any and all emotions, a neat trick he had picked up over the years and that really helped him out with this whole acting gig. Only that he was anything but acting at this moment.

Kakashi made an inquiring noise, and Sakura, head slightly tilted to the left, raised her eyebrows in a silent question. 

"Holy shit," Obito whispered. "I left the damn dog treats in the oven."

**Author's Note:**

> When Madara found out that Kakashi regularly kicks ass to defend Obito's (nonexistent) honor he was damn near ready to send out the wedding invitations himself because hell _yea_ they're gonna keep someone who's ready to throw hands for bae 24/7
> 
> (Kakashi will also gladly leave Obito in the believe that that was the first time he decked someone for him)


End file.
